hahahahahahhaah FUCK
I just wrote a WHOLE bunch and then I accidentally logged out of Google and it was all lost. That sucks.
What do I want to do with my life? That's the question that I constantly ask myself. It's a question that I have been asking myself for many years. I have been looking for a way out of IT for a long time. The problem is, that I have no idea how do it. I don't know what the steps are to get out.
Right now I am working for a company and my title is "Network Solutions Architect". Yea, I don't know what that means either. What I am doing now is project coordinating as well as making technical decisions. Which is pretty cool if I am being honest. It's an interesting direction that I have taken that I have never really done before. Well, the technology that is. The problem is that this was a job that I had to take. When I lost my job, it was just as the down turn started. There was no work to be had. Any work that was available was not one where an organization is going to take a risk on me and give me a role that I was seeking.
What I was looking for was a role quite similar to the one I had at my previous job. I was the Network Lead and I was responsible for making decisions on how the technology was going to be used, I owned issues, I lead people. This is what I wanted.
The deal was that I worked there for years and was in a position of creating the role for myself. Once I created it, I really liked it. It's what I want to do.
Now that the plans of moving to Victoria are finalizing and the date is coming closer I am crushed by the question of "What do I want to do?" I have no training in leading people.. so someone is going ot have to take a chance on me. Even if they do, I still have no training. This is where the fear comes in.
A number of months ago I went spoke to a psychologist because of issues i have having with Body Image and things like that. After a couple meetings we had both agreed that these feelings like stem from a lack of fulfillment in my life. I work a job that I don't really like, doing things that don't bring me joy. We did a bunch of work in regards to trying to determine what my values are. Learning and Freedom were the big ones. I love to learn. I will learn anything. I am a sponge. I wasn't doing that enough. Freedom. She came to the conclusion that my desire for freedom, which would mean that I love living my own life. Doing what I want. I don't like having responsibilities. She talked about why I have struggled moving forward. That I have a fear of success. That when you are successful, you have more people depending on you. Watching you, needing you, looking to you for answers. That shit fucked me right up. She was right.
So here I am now, trying to resolve those feelings and trying to move past them. How do I do that? How do I move from being what I am now, which is a guy who gets job because of the relationships he's developed and is able to do pretty much any piece of work that's given to me because I can figure it out to someone that stops all that. Stops it making the money I make, stops doing things I know and moving towards something I don't know? From talking to her I knew that I wanted to be a coach or a psychologist. This is what I want to do. I just have NO idea how to make that jump? I am literally scared to do it. I don't know anything about post secondary. I don't know how to school gud. I am so scared to make this jump.
Though wouldn't this be a perfect time? When I am moving to another city, with my new wife to a place where no one knows me. Why don't I try something new? Jesus Christ, it all sounds so fucking logical.
I suffer from something that I don’t know how to explain. To be self deprecating I’ll call it immaturity. I just want someone to tell me how to do something when it comes to moving forward or meeting obligations. Like, I want my wife to tell me when to pay my Taxes and other bills. I want someone to walk me through how to enroll in school. I am so fucking intimidated with applying for school.
A few months I met with a student advisor at the University and talked about what I would need to do to enroll in in Psychology. First off I would need to upgrade my Math and my English. Why haven’t I done that yet? BLARGG!
My new life is fucking starting. I need to gain some control and make some changes towards the direction I want to take. If I want to be a psychologist, then go and be one. If you want to be a coach, go get it. If you want to me an IT Manager, do it. Out of those 3 I would still like to be a psychologist. I know what I need to start the path. GO!.
The worst part is that I know that once I start, I’ll love it. Like I said, I love to learn. Now I get to learn things that I want. How on earth can that be bad?
Maybe my panic today comes from the fact that in my current job I am doing things I don’t want to do and I feel a little overwhelmed with the fact that change is coming and I don’t know what direction to go.
This is all on me. I make these choices. I can choose to just do what I have been doing and remain unfulfilled in my life, which manifests in some pretty self destructive ways. Or I can choose to move in a new direction. To enjoy the vastness of life and its experiences. After all, sure as shit, doing IT isn’t the pinnacle of the human experience.
